by Kasey Husk As the holiday season approaches, many families prepare for gatherings and getaways with loved ones near and far. It is supposed to be a joyous time of year, but for those who already feel unsafe in their homes, it can also be a stressful and dangerous time. More time away from work can mean more time trapped with the person who mistreats you, whether it is your romantic partner, your adult child, or even your parent. Coupled with financial and family stress, this situation can be a pressure cooker that leaves victims waiting for the next explosion.

At Eagan Immigration, we want to urge any of our clients who find themselves in an abusive situation to make a safety plan this holiday season. Anyone in a violent or emotionally, financially, or sexually abusive relationship knows that leaving is never as easy as outsiders want to believe. When one of the partners is an undocumented immigrant, there is an extra layer of challenges that not everyone understands. Eagan Immigration does. That is why one of our main practice areas is Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) self-petitions. This lesser-known area of the law allows undocumented immigrants (men or women) who have an abusive qualifying relative—a lawful permanent resident, a U.S. citizen spouse or parent, or a U.S. citizen adult child—to apply for status without the help of their qualifying relative. VAWA petitions are powerful because they allow a person to apply for citizenship based on the status of their qualifying relative as a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident. without that abusive person having to know it. While full approval of a VAWA self-petition averages about three years, Eagan has secured work permits and travel documents for clients within six to twelve months of the initial application. If you are an undocumented individual being abused by your U.S. citizen or LPR spouse or parents, or by your U.S. citizen child, know that life does not always have to be this way. If your abuser tells you that there is no escape and no remedies available to you because of your status, Eagan Immigration needs you to know that they are lying. We also want you to know that we understand that separating from an abuser, whether your child, spouse, or parent, is never as simple as outsiders to the relationship think. Sometimes, especially when the abuser is your child, it may not even be what you want. However, we urge you to consult a Eagan Immigration Resource Guide to help you determine how you can free yourself from abuse without risking deportation. How can I support an undocumented loved one who I suspect is being abused by their partner, child, or parent? For those who are outside an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to understand what is really happening. Perhaps you have seen someone's spouse, child, or parent scream at them, steal from them, or even hit them. Maybe you have only heard about it, or maybe you are just guessing what is happening behind the scenes. It is hard to know what the right thing to do is in that situation, but Eagan Immigration has some tips.

1. Believe the victim. Abuse is an extremely difficult topic to talk about with others, especially because of the elements of shame that often prevail. If someone in your life trusts you enough to talk about what is happening, Believe it. Avoid casting doubt on what the victim is telling you, even if you feel that what you are hearing is hard to believe. Remember: abusers often seem charming and kind to those outside their relationship. The same can be said for a 21-year-old college student you have always considered quiet, polite, and studious. It is also vital to understand and accept that you may not know everything about the situation or how these individuals act when they are alone with their victims. You may have many questions when someone you care about is in a bad relationship, but it is not the victim's responsibility to satisfy your curiosity or give all the details of their story. Some aspects of the abuse may be too painful or too intimate to share, even with you. Be patient, kind, and supportive.
2. Remind the victim that the abuse is not their fault. “You made me do it!” It is the abuser's common refrain, and it can be difficult not to internalize it. Remind your loved one that nothing justifies abuse. Parents of abusive adult children, in particular, often struggle with feelings that they must have done something wrong in raising the child to behave in such an abusive manner. It is important for victims to hear that, no matter the situation, abuse is not okay and it is not their fault.
3. Encourage the victim to make a safety plan and seek legal advice. Abuse is not always physical, but in situations where someone is being physically harmed, it is especially important to try to help the victim prepare for a quick exit if the abuser's violence escalates. Establish a keyword that the victim can use if they need you to call the police or help them in some way. Maintain regular contact with the victim. Encourage them to contact a domestic violence center, where they can find the resources they need to help them when they are ready to escape. Getting good legal advice is also very important, especially when there are factors that make someone more vulnerable, such as not having legal status in the United States. Eagan Immigration has a lot of experience helping people create a good legal case and devise a plan to keep them safe while doing so. Provide your loved one with as much information as you can, but keep in mind how you do it: their abuser may monitor their modes of communication.
4. Avoid provoking the abuser. When you find out how badly a loved one is being treated by someone in their life, anger is usually the natural reaction. Punishment is too. However, trying to punish the abuser in some way, whether by yelling at them or trying to get them into trouble, can put the victim in danger and make them hesitant to talk to others. For example, banning someone's spouse or adult child from attending family events during the holiday season is likely to have the opposite impact of what you might expect. If they are not allowed to bring their abuser, the victim may not be allowed to attend the holiday festivities at all. This can leave them more isolated than ever and solidify the “us against them” mentality that abusers can use to keep their victim under their sway.
5. Refrain from judging. It can be difficult to understand why someone won't leave an abusive partner, cut off an abusive adult child, or leave abusive parents. Recognize that nothing is as simple as “just leave” or “just kick them out.” Financial, practical, and emotional concerns can make separating from an abuser much harder than most people believe. When a person is undocumented, there is another level of fear that can be difficult for outsiders to comprehend. Many undocumented victims of abuse in mixed-status families believe their abusers could deport them, which could mean putting them in danger in their countries of origin or separating them from their minor children. The stakes are very high. It is also best to try to avoid stating what you might do in that situation, unless specifically asked. For example, you could say what  You wouldn't tolerate your 25-year-old child living in your house, mocking you, and verbally abusing you. Such comments are often perceived as victim-blaming. A victim may not be emotionally prepared to formally evict their adult child and risk them becoming homeless. In some cases, the grandchildren's well-being could also be an issue. The point is: you can't know what you would do without being in that situation. Avoid making critical comments that make the victim afraid to confide in you or others.
6. Call 911 if you witness physical abuse. If someone is beating their loved one right in front of you, or if you know it is happening, call 911 immediately. While it is important to respect the victim's wishes, you cannot do so when their life is in immediate danger. In addition, having a police report of the violence can help the victim seek protection at a later date. If the victim is undocumented, having a police report can help them file an immigration petition that may help them obtain status in the United States.
7. Start a conversation. In some cases, you may only suspect that abuse is happening rather than knowing for sure. Respect a person's right to tell you what is happening only when they are ready, but do not hesitate to let your loved one know that you are concerned about the warning signs you are seeing. Let them know that you are there if they need to talk about anything and assure them that you will be discreet with everything you hear. It is okay if you do not always know what to say. In this situation, it is more important to listen than to speak.

If you or a loved one is undocumented and experiencing abuse, Eagan Immigration can help you. 

Call us at 202-709-6439 o click here for a consultation directly with attorney Lauren Eagan.